This week I am going to share with you how I have learned to transmute negative experiences and stuck energy. Most of us have some memory of something negative happening to us as a child. You may have dealt with a lot worse than I did as a child, or maybe not. In any case, my origin stories, of which my memories are a part, had me wallowing in regret for far too long. Growing up, my dad had anger issues, to say the least. When my brother and I would do rowdy kid stuff past bedtime, he would stomp upstairs and smack the hell out of us with a belt. My brother’s bed was closest to the door, and often the steam would be blown off on him and “same to you” was my punishment. That was worse than the belt.
The earliest memory I have of my childhood is of my third birthday (I think but can’t be sure). I was sitting in a highchair, my family was singing “Happy Birthday,” and, as the cake with candles was placed in front of me, I flung it to the floor. Apparently, I was pissed at life already at three. As you know, childhood memories can be triggered late in life, and this was one I only discovered a few years ago as part of my healing and reclaiming love journey.
A few years ago, I was at a SEALFIT event on a Montana ranch. The owner asked me and a SEAL buddy to clear some rodents from the land. The small varmints were breeding out of control, creating a hazard to the land, the farm staff, and the equipment. We grabbed the .22 caliber rifles from the gun case and hopped on the ATV. It was like playing “whack a mole” at first. But then, I had killed so many of the little guys that I got sick to my stomach. And it was at that point that the memory of another ugly childhood incident came back to me.
I was about five years old, and I had a pet hamster. Through the barrel lens of my memories, I saw myself take the tiny animal out of the cage and throw it on the floor repeatedly. I was very angry at the time. But rather than expressing it in a healthy way, I took it out on my pet. Sad day. This memory, that many might ignore or laugh off, tore at me later in life. It made me sad, and I felt shame that I would do that to another living being.
At that point, I put the gun down and vowed to never deliberately kill another animal again. That evening, I used the recapitulation process and re-experienced the childhood event, including the anger, shame, and guilt. What led me to kill my pet hamster, I asked? I could now see I was acting out suppressed rage at the emotional trauma I was experiencing in the home. I was a young child, and this was how I was being taught to cope. That recapitulation led to healing and the eradication of regret. I felt lighter. That was my life then, and those were the cards I was dealt. Forgive and move on.
Now, as an adult, I could clear up that trapped energy. Feeling my emotions and expressing them wasn’t something I was able to do at five. So that suppressed energy was holding me back in ways I couldn’t see but could sense and feel in the form of shame. The recapitulation practice objectified the incident, and I was able to forgive myself, and my parents, and move on.
For too many of us, emotional BOO (BAckground of Obviousness) that leads to anger, shame, and guilt stays buried deep inside the folds of our enigmatic mind. And the longer we go without addressing our shadows, the harder it becomes to dredge them up and clear them out. Bitterness, unhappiness, or hopelessness becomes the emotional resting state in a person whose mind is bogged down by unfortunate memories. These states are hard to break, as they are so familiar, and there is comfort in familiarity. This goes back to the definition of inertia. These origin stories have been parked in our mind for a very long time. Pushing them out takes a lot of force. But once they sail away…. You must let those things go to let love flow. Recapitulation, transmutation, and breath are powerful healing tools. You now have some of these tools I shared in the last few blogs to make these changes. I encourage you to do this work and free yourself from any stuck energy that may be holding you back from living and experiencing life fully. Next week I will continue to discuss releasing stored emotions of guilt and shame and how living with no regrets is a path worth exploring. Hooyah!